Anger: The Tip of the Iceberg
What is anger? Where does it come from? What role does anger play when it comes to our
other emotions? These are all great questions to consider, especially if you tend to shy away
from anger or view it negatively. First, let’s consider the concept of an iceberg. On the surface, you see the tip of the iceberg. While it could still be a very sizeable piece of the iceberg, what lies underneath the water is even larger. When we see anger on the surface, we know that it is still a valid feeling. However, anger is typically something that we use to hide our more vulnerable feelings like sadness, loneliness, or grief. After all, anger is one of the stages of grief which further supports the notion that anger is often sad’s bodyguard.
Isn’t Anger a Negative Thing?
Emotions are not inherently positive or negative. What matters is how you interact with your
emotions and how you cope with them. Anger is a natural part of life. It not only serves to help us express ourselves, but it is also something we use as a form of protection. Anger falls in the “fight” category of “fight or flight.” We use it to motivate ourselves to take action. Understanding where your anger comes from is important because we can work with it in a way that is beneficial to us if we understand its origin.
When we engage in uninformed anger responses, we can create more problems for ourselves, and this is where anger can get a bad reputation. If you are angrily arguing with your significant other, an uninformed anger response might look like you saying something to hurt your partner on purpose. This can often lead to regret, more frustration, and increased discourse. An informed anger response might be one in which you decide to take a break from the argument, de-escalate the situation, and return to the conversation with a gentler approach in an effort to reach an understanding.
When we engage in personal reflection and use our insight, anger can be a positive thing. While anger can often mean that part of us is hurting, it can also mean that we are empowered to some degree. If you are angry because someone has shown you disrespect, this could mean that part of you knows that you deserve to be respected. Perhaps the disrespect occurs on a systemic level. In this case, your anger not only expresses your personal frustration but means that you have empathy for others and can identify with them. In these cases, anger can highlight positive qualities about you, your values, and your beliefs. It can even help you make progress toward your personal goals, especially those related to self-empowerment.
Setting Boundaries
Perhaps you are angry at the way that certain people treat you. A personal goal might be to set boundaries to protect yourself and lessen the stress in your life. Maybe you eventually decide to phase certain people out of your life because they are not positively contributing to your wellbeing. Phasing people out of your life when they consistently mistreat you is an act of self-care. If setting boundaries and trying to inform the other party of their behavior doesn’t improve your relationship, then it is perfectly acceptable to move on and act in your own best interest.
This is your life and you get to choose who is in it. “I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.” - Unknown
Setting boundaries can be difficult for everyone, especially those of us who identify or have
identified as “people-pleasers.” In some instances, it is helpful to conceptualize boundaries as rules that you set for your interactions with others. I think that an important distinction here is to acknowledge that you cannot control or determine someone else’s behavior. What you can do, however, is set boundaries for yourself and act in alignment with them.
Let’s continue with the example of being angry with the way certain people treat you. Maybe a boundary that you set is “I will not allow <person’s name> to speak down to me.” By setting one boundary, you also set a series of sub-boundaries that will support you in enforcing your original boundary. Some of those sub-boundaries might be “When <person’s name> speaks down to me I will call them out.” “When I feel disrespected by <person> I will express myself and inform them of the impact of their words.” “If I am being disrespected I will end the conversation.” Over time, these sub-boundaries will grow and evolve as needed. Ultimately, you are able to choose how you want to interact with the person who is disrespecting you.
Boundaries serve an excellent purpose when it comes to personal relationships. When you set boundaries, you not only protect yourself, but you express your needs and inform others of the impact of their words and actions. They serve as a reference point for any conversations that require you to address their behavior. Gathering factual information about your personal interactions has always been necessary, but it is increasingly important in today’s social climate that has almost glamorized gaslighting and narcissism. Boundaries empower you, and your actions, and reinforce your personal feelings.
This post was written by Shannon France, MS, MHC-LP, and published by Mandevilla Mental Health Counseling, PLLC